so i went down to daves last night 
but left this morning bc he had to meet an lsat tutor
we had a good time. smoked.. you know =)... and watched this movie
called Eastern Promises.. about the russian maffia
its so gory and badass. typical guy movie. but i love guy movies lol
i love wrestling around with dave
he can just handle me and pick me up and throw me around
with SUCH ease. i really cant get enough of it
i get happy every time i think about it lol 
i love feeling his big huge hands on my small waist.
AH, i miss him already
my bad mood has left me. =) im feeling better

spent time with my mom today - went to the cheesecake factory (ugh)
but i had a lunch portion salad. and the most amazing strawberry martini ever
and now im waiting to get picked up and go out for a couple drinks
id rather drink than eat anyday.

im fasting tomorrow and tuesday with my hollywood diet drink
i bought 2 of them. im excited. i think i can do it.
tanning, gym and ab lounge tomorrow too
i want to look leaner. much muuucchhh leaner
then i will be happy <3

Current Mood: content

so the dinner plans last night completely changed
into something so much better:
a surprise trip to atlantic city
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sick resort, stayed up all night (EXHAUSTED FROM IT)
of course we took pictures
and thought i had an amazing time..
until
i saw the digital cam pics on the computer full size
i thought i would be so happy with myself
and felt like ive succeeded
bikini pics and clothing pics
and just now when i upload them
im like.. this is just NOT acceptable
this is not where i feel i need to be. AT ALL
im so fucking upset
im crying. i really want dave to hold me right now
except im exhausted from not sleeping at all in almost 2 days
so i need to pass out and try to forget about my nasty self

Current Mood: gross

last night was AMAZING
5 star restaurant and lounge bar
gorgeous place. the owner gave us a tour
amaretto on the rocks all night
picture taking. cig smoking
having an awesome time
hanging with the elite, extremely wealthy
attractive, beautiful people.
and they allllllllllll LOVED me
finally, what i fucking deserve.
treated like a princess all night
which is how it fucking should be.
plans with him again tuesday night

hung out with dave today for a little
he had to clear up a traffic ticket
so i joined him for that
then we went to a diner
and had a litle fun at my house =)
then he left
i told him straight up
i deserve what i fucking deserve
and im tired of not getting it from you
clearly i get it from EVERYBODY else
but gosh darn, the sex is out of this WORLD
hahaaa

tonight i am going to dinner
triple date. <3 those. different boy
fancy place. dressed up. my faaavorite
then going clubbing in the city with him again tomorrow
and giselles coming too.
i LOVE clubbing
dramatic makeup. barely dressed
and techno music. my favorite EVER
i cannot wait. i havent gone clubbing in forever
its going to be so fun =) 

im just so busy lately
and it feels great
so many boys
so little time =)
everybody wants a peice of me
finally, its all about ME.

i deserve it.

Current Mood: ecstatic

so instead of doing cardio and abs
i strutted around the gym in my sports bra
i did all kinds of ab stuff and toning for my hamstrings and booty!
i felt so weird at first, bc no one else was at naked as i was
but then again, all the women at my nysc are either old or chubbers
so yay for me. except some of the men i swear were going to cream their pants
typical. i just kept thinking about dave and how he's an idiot for not trying to hold on to me
l o s e rrrrrrrrr

i saw the most gorgeous boy there
my GOD was he gorgeous
tall, built, tan, brown hair, spikey/messy
just how i like them
he was checking me out hardcore
i hope i see him again there. 
i want to be his friend <3 hehe




boys, sometimes a girl just needs one ;)

Current Mood: content

tea
water
1/2 an addy
piece of grilled chicken w/ verryy little seasoning (im guessing 110 cals or less, thanks to D hehe)
1/4 cup steamed beans (less than 25 cal i bet.. same for the broc)
1/4 cup steamed broccoli 
no seasoning
i ate it soooo slow
it felt good =)

gym in about 20 minutes - ab lounge before
then a double date tonight im so excited
it feels good to be back on track
im going to wear a sports bra and my stretchy black VS work out pants to the gym
ONLY THAT *gasp* 
but im just going to wear that when i do my ab work
out in a little private workout room =)
its a secret dream of mine to do that
and then later, i will progress into wearing just that all around the gym
but when i do cardio on the elliptical i wear a sweat belt around my waist
so i need a baggy tshirt over it
so no one can see it haha 

i hate when chunky bitches at the gym stare at me when i wear my baggy tshirt
and they are in their cute clothes, squeezing their love handles and muffin top pants. 
PFFTTTTT
my legs look thin and toned, but they probably think oh she wears the tshirt to hide her gut
haha thinking im chunky too. YEAH RIGHT
well guess what bitches
today you'll see me and want to cry. fat fucks.
gosh i love the gym
tan abs make me happy
and so does feeling empty and light and pure

thin is everything <3

Current Mood: its been a while ;)

hey girlies!
how is everyone?
i slept till 12:30
and so far have just had water and an addy
i LOVE the no hunger feeling it gives me
i need to do this more often, which means i need to wake up earlier
so we'll see what happens lol

im going to the gym with giselle in about an hour
quick stop at the dry cleaners first
and then tanning. but i think im only going in for a little
my mom asked me if i wanted to eat dinner with her and her BF tonight
shes making a weight watchers salad. UGH.. at least its WW's
but, since im going out tonight drinking with dave
i figured why not. i'll just cut really small pieces and eat sloooowly
and drink lots of water.
it will be my only food for the day
and i know after the gym i'll be needing some energy

anything else? 
oh yeah tonight
im going to this really cool bar down the shore with dave and his friends
i need to find a hot outfit. i get SO stressed out with that sometimes
then on saturday i want to go to the library with him
so he can study LSATs and i can write my resume
i think it'll be fun =)

so i posted on proanorexia last night
i was in a bad mood bc i ate 3 WW ice cream pops
LIKE A FATTY AHHHHHHHHHHH
anyway, i wanted the entry to be on here too
cause i said id take pics soon
so in the cut is what i posted!

THINK THIN!

FINALLY i am a size 2. 
it just happened out of no where
i grabbed 6 and 4
huge. too big.
size 2 fits. not even snug
im such a perfectionist i would have never guessed
why am i never completely happy with myself?
i kind of still want 117. i guess we'll see what happens

BUT YES SIZE 2!!!!!! NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I BEEN A 2. EVER

2008 is going to be a very, very good year for me indeed.

i had a wheat bagel this morning though
i went shopping with my mom
i had to sacrifice
free clothes and shoes plus a french manicure
for a bagel
ill get over it
then she wanted me to eat a peice of a chicken quesadilla
and a whole hard boileed egg
haha NOT
i told her im eating and drinking all night at my girlfriends new years eve party
which is a lie. i wont be eating. and ill be with dave just drinking.
3 beers max
and i just ate the egg whites

size 2 is mine. and she cant take it away
im not even hungry
i love addy
and i did my ab lounge this morning
i cant wait to strut my stuff around dave tonight
aahahahaha im actually so happy right now
yay for me
leaving now
THINK THIN GIRLS
happy new years i love you all

fuck food.

Current Mood: content

today: 3/4 orange
and a small bag of popcorn at the movies
no butter on it
water and oj bc im getting sickyy
but i feel a lot better today
my mom got me medicine
no gym today, but thats okay bc i barely ate
i slept half the day and went tanning 
and saw a movie with my daddy =) 

tomorrow i leave for daves around 4
and we're going to this bar in the vip section
im excited. i have a super cute outfit
i love packing to go away
especially when i feel tan and cute and little
definitely tanning tomorrow again
and the gym! i want to do a lot of cardio
some toning. and a lot of ab work
and im gonna do my nails and be pretty for him <3

THIN FOREVER

Current Mood: content

plans totally feel through
tanning salon was closed
so was the gym
wtf kind of gym closes at 6pm on weekends?
queer.
then i didnt feel like going out
and i just dont feel well
im getting sick
a sinus infection
i always get those
and i hate it.
im in so much pain =(
and im congested
and my eyes are fucking dry as all hell
and burn and are light red
i look like the devil
i hope it clears up by new years

god i feel awful 
i just want to curl up in my bed and cry
i wish dave was here to rub my back and make me feel better
im seeing him for new years
i hope my eyes start to feel better
i dont think i should keep them in when i tan
even though i still wear the glasses.
that was pretty stupid, kristen.
why am i such a fuck up?

Current Mood: cranky

giselles coming to get me at 730
to go tanning and then the gym
then getting ready at the gym
and meeting a boy at a bar
an older boy. a gorgeous boy. a nice boy.
we'll see what happens
it took me forever to find a cute casual bar outfit
*sigh* and i never feel happy with myself 
but my mom said i looked really good
so i have to fucking suck it up and believe her

im doing cardio at the gym. i have a waist belt
which makes me sweat like a mother
i love it. i have retired the stairmaster for a while
and have moved towards the elypitical
300 cals for a half hour! holleerrrrr

today i had one slice of multi grain bread
with 5 small pieces of grilled chicken breast
and 2 small scoops of mashed potatoes 
and a yoplait light yogurt
tons of water

i made jello today too
10 cals
gotta love that. ill save it for tomorrow

yesterday all i had was a turkey breast sandwich
on multi grain bread
one slice of cheese on it
and ate it with baby carrots
2 glasses of oj, bc i feel like im getting sick
and tons of water
i had 1/2 in the morning
and 1/2 before i went to the gym
then i went out bar hopping with giselle
and got waaaaaaasted
i really am such a lightweight
and i get so wild and out of control when im drunk
i had on a hot outfit
im going to wear it for new years =)

maybe i'll take pictures soon
i havent made any progress
just sort of maintaining
but now that im going to the gym everyday hardcore with giselle
the cardio fat burning plan should start kicking in soon
i want to lose 10 more pounds...

Current Mood: content

i broke up with dave last night
i really dont want to get into the details
but he really is just clueless as to how to treat me
and im sick and tired of being disregarded, disrespected and underappreciated.
sick to death of it.
im very sad. very very sad. and feel very alone.
i feel like if i hadnt had my ed, i could have been able to end things with dave sooner
i rely a lot on the comfort he gives me, the beautiful girl i feel like when im with him
i love his bigness and how he makes me feel
and i always thought if i look better and prettier and thinner he will treat me better
when clearly that is not the case. it has very little to do with how i look
we have been together so long, of course he is attracted to me but its deeper than that now
i still also love him as a person, as pathetic as that sounds
because of how unhappy he still makes me
i havent heard from him yet
and im praying he will eventually call
i will not call him. i defriended him on facebook and myspace. haha?
and i deleted a wall post he wrote on my wall like 3 days ago
it read: "<3 i love you baby. thank for you making my christmas the best. i loved spending time with you. <3"
although i was weak and did send him a text message last night
at 2am which said "u awake"
clearly he saw it. but chose not to respond.
everyone tells me this is how guys vent when they are hurt
so in a couple of days i know he will call me
... i hope he does. i want him to chase me
i want him to know that i really mean it when i said im sick and tired of how he treats me
and i know he wont change. 
i think that is the hardest part to accept.  im still kind of in denial about it


gym later.
restricting hardcore. like my old ways.
its me time now. i have nothing else right now

Current Mood: lonely

i dont like myself really.
im going to daves in a few hours
until saturday, to exchange gifts
and to go into the city together
hopefully he will help me feel better about myself

i havent even been eating a lot lately
yesterday i had a wheat wrap with barely anything in it
and today, 5 pieces of sushi and half a turkey sandwich on wheat bread
gym both days.
what gives?
i hate when i get like this.
i dont even like drinking tea now. bc i can feel the warmth in my stomach
and i hate that feeling
ugh =(
im off to the gym before i start to pack for daves

i hope you are all in a much better mood
i feel like a fat fucking whale.
but im forcing myself to wear fitted gym clothes
so im aware of my nasty self the whole time in there.

 

Current Mood: FAT

it felt so good to go back to the gym 
SO GOOD. i cant wait to go again tomorrow
today i took a 30 min ab class, did some free weights
and of course, my beloved stairmaster hehe
and this leg machine for your inner thighs
i dont like them. i want them thinner.
tomorrow im forcing myself to get up at 10
to make their 1030 class for core training
sounds awesome, right up my alley =)

so after i got out of the shower
i was lathering myself up with firming lotion
and my mom knocked on my door. 
i can no longer let her see me half naked
bc of the shit she'll say to me.
she walked in after and was like "you look pale"
*sigh* no, i fucking look the same woman.
did you lose more weight?
nope. i gained.
and she was like are you lying?
no, im not lying. just get out.
i was smiling when i said all this
but i smile out of nervousness and uncomfortableness sometimes
then she left.
UGH ALREADY
I CANT STAND HERRR
and she works from home tomorrow.
fucking fantastic
i wont be there, hellll no
im going christmas shopping
and "eating" elsewhere
and i want to hit the gym again in the evening

its mom & food vs me and thin.
and im going to win.
she puts me in a bad mood

i dont like myself

Current Mood: cranky

today was a good day
i slept till 3:40 haha.. which i need to stop doing
but im always super tired when i just finish up with school
i joined the gym today! cant WAIT to start hitting it hardcore tomorrow
i started christmas shopping
i have the perfect gifts for dave. im SO excited
i love shopping for him. i dont know why lol
i always go over board but oh well
im such a cute girlfriend haha
i got my eye brows done and my brazilian
i just feel gooooood and purdy hehe
cleaned my room, unpacked almost all of my shit
i brought up this heater we keep downstairs
and my room is a lovely 76 degrees
just how i like it! lol the rest of my house is like the arctic tundra
so in my room is where i'll stay

today i had 1/2 cup mac and cheese made with skim milk
and 3 little pieces of a hot dog
and i had half a calzone - the size of my hand.. a little smaller
not so fantastic, but i had small portions
and i literally ran around all day today
plus, since im starting the gym tomorrow
i felt like this is my last officially day of food
you know?

im going to go lay down now
call dave. see what he's up to
i want to see him tomorrow and spend the night
but we'll see what happens
he BETTER get on the bandwagon with my christmas gifts
this boy has a lot to prove. the personal, the better.

today was a good day =)

think thin lovelies <3

Current Mood: content

hey girls
today will be a good day.
i woke up, felt pretty disgusting from the food yesterday
but i started fresh. just coffee, water.
and hopefully no food for the rest of the day.
fruit if necessary. but im really back on track.
and im going to join the nysc sometime this week =)
which is excitinggggg
im almost done with this fucking paper. and then i can leave college FOR GOOD
its SUCH a nuisance. i hate papers. i hate all school work, officially
my eyebrows are atrocious. i really need to get em threaded.
and i need to get a french manicure in the WORST WAY
and i need my brazilian
ahhh i feel icky. and this coffee is effing COLD
k well, i felt like doing a survey
so we should all fill it out and get to know each other better
yaayyyy =)

Current Mood: annoyed